when I am weak.

That word has been spinning around in my mind a lot lately. 

weak. 
weak.
weak.

For most, that word means one thing - failure, insufficiency, lack of strength, whatever. For me it means I've got a tornado of laundry in my room, my bathroom is disgusting, I haven't changed my calendar with due dates in 2 weeks, I haven't taken a shower and it's 3pm, I've got enough homework for a small army, and the last thing I want to do is cry about it. Because that shows that I'm weak. It shows that I can't handle my own life. 

Being weak is hard for me, I'm just going to be real. I have a pretty hard time laying my emotions out on the table for people in my life, because I feel like my emotions are a burden. I don't want to be a problem to anyone. I definitely don't want them to give me a sideways glance towards the nearest shrienk as I lay my emotional over thought problems out on the table. So, as a rule of thumb, I just generally don't talk about it to people around me. Bad? Probably so. As a christian, however, it is one of the most exhilarating things in the entire world to sit on my couch, sob, and tell the Creator of the Universe every stupid little thing going on in my life. To sit at His feet and know that He is proven strong when I am at my weakest. To know that he cares about every little detail of my heart, including the stupid things like the fact that overcooking chicken made me feel inadequate as a woman. God cares! He fashioned me. He stinking knows every fabric of my life and soul! Yes! He cares about overcooked chicken, endless amounts of laundry, school work that seems to have no end, and my desperate, desperate need to be near Him when I crumble underneath it all. 

Praise Him who holds me close when I crumble. 

So whether it was Grey's Anatomy induced or a build up of all these things, I cried. I can blame it on the dramatic love saga between people that aren't even real, or I can be honest and say I'd just had enough of myself. To sit and pray and say, "Lord I am weak and needy and so desperate for you grace." And know that He heard it, loves me, shows me grace, and gets the glory because He is made so much bigger than me. 

There's something absolutely freeing about it, let me tell you. 

I've been negligent of my first love, and for myself personally, I know I come to a point where I am spiritually dry. In need of water that satisfies not for a short amount of time, but quenches. I need the living water that comforts my insecurities, doubts, fears, and worries. The living water that is greater than my tears, sin, and inadequacy. 

Because let's be real, sin brought me here. I'm such a sinner, in need of a loving and graceful Savior. 

May I never, ever, ever forget that the Lord forgives. He is my redeemer, and He can handle my weakness. He knows my weakness, and He knows when I stray. 

This has been my comfort food the past few days.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2 Corinthans 12:9 

--Rach.